We Need to Settle This: Which Cosmic Rewind Song Is Actually the Best?

Six songs. One roller coaster. And a debate that may very well tear the Disney community apart.

There are two types of people in this world: people who have a favorite song on Guardians of the Galaxy: Cosmic Rewind, and people who are wrong.

Okay, fine. Maybe that's a little harsh.

But if you've ever walked off Cosmic Rewind at EPCOT and immediately announced, "We got September!" with the enthusiasm of someone who just won the lottery, you understand that the soundtrack is not simply background music.

It's a personality test.

It's a competition.

It's a deeply emotional experience that some of us take entirely too seriously.

And today, we're settling the debate once and for all.

Or, more realistically, starting an argument.

First, Let's Meet the Contenders

For those unfamiliar with the musical masterpiece that is Cosmic Rewind, each ride randomly features one of six songs:

• "September" — Earth, Wind & Fire

• "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" — Tears for Fears

• "Conga" — Miami Sound Machine

• "One Way or Another" — Blondie

• "I Ran (So Far Away)" — A Flock of Seagulls

• "Disco Inferno" — The Trammps

Six excellent songs. Six completely different experiences.

And somehow, Disney expects us to act like getting "Conga" and getting "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" are emotionally equivalent.

They are not.

The Case for September: The Popular Kid

Let's address the elephant in the galaxy.

"September" is the song everyone wants.

It's the prom queen. The homecoming king. The person who somehow looks good in every photograph.

And honestly? It deserves the attention.

There's something about flying backward through space while Earth, Wind & Fire asks if you remember the 21st night of September that feels like Disney Imagineering reached directly into our brains and located the joy button.

It's upbeat. It's infectious. It's impossible not to smile.

You could be having the worst day of your life, and approximately four seconds into "September," you're suddenly the happiest person in the galaxy.

But here's my controversial opinion:

Being the most popular doesn't automatically make you the best.

I said what I said.

Everybody Wants to Rule the World: The Sophisticated Choice

Now, this is where things get interesting.

Some people want to scream their way through space.

Others want to glide through the universe like they're starring in a beautifully produced 1980s music video.

Enter Tears for Fears.

"Everybody Wants to Rule the World" creates an entirely different Cosmic Rewind experience.

It's smooth. It's cinematic. It's almost weirdly peaceful for a ride involving a giant celestial being threatening Earth.

And somehow, it works.

People who choose this song as their favorite tend to speak about it with the quiet confidence of someone who knows something the rest of us don't.

They don't need to convince you.

They just smile knowingly.

Which, frankly, makes them even more annoying.

Conga: The Unhinged Party Guest

"Conga" does not ask permission.

"Conga" kicks down the door, grabs your hand, and informs you that you're attending a party whether you like it or not.

Gloria Estefan understood the assignment.

Is it chaotic? Absolutely.

Does it make you want to dance while your ride vehicle is hurtling through space? Unfortunately, yes.

Does it occasionally feel like you're riding through an intergalactic wedding reception?

Also yes.

But I will defend "Conga" enthusiasts on one point: they are having more fun than almost everyone else.

And perhaps that's the entire point.

One Way or Another: The Underrated Trouble Maker

Blondie deserves more respect in this conversation.

There. I said it.

"One Way or Another" has attitude.

It's punchy. It's playful. It's got just enough rebellious energy to make you feel like you're personally helping the Guardians save the universe.

While other songs are busy being beautiful or nostalgic, Blondie is getting things DONE.

This is the soundtrack for people who don't need everyone's approval.

And I respect that.

I Ran (So Far Away): The One That Makes Perfect Sense

Can we acknowledge how hilariously appropriate this song is?

You're literally racing through space.

Running away from danger.

Trying to save the galaxy.

And A Flock of Seagulls is singing "I Ran (So Far Away)."

It's almost too perfect.

This song has that unmistakable 1980s sound that makes the entire attraction feel like you've been dropped into a vintage sci-fi movie.

Is it my first choice?

Not necessarily.

Would I complain if I got it?

Absolutely not.

Because unlike certain people on Disney Facebook groups, I understand that riding one of the best attractions at Walt Disney World is not actually a hardship.

Disco Inferno: The One Nobody Should Be Sleeping On

And finally, we have "Disco Inferno."

The Trammps.

The groove.

The drama.

The sheer audacity of putting a disco anthem on a roller coaster in space.

It's magnificent.

This song doesn't get nearly enough credit for how well it matches the energy of the attraction.

There's something wonderfully ridiculous about hurtling past planets while a disco classic blasts through your ride vehicle.

It's a cosmic dance party.

And if you can't appreciate that, I'm not sure we can be friends.

So Which Song Actually Wins?

After careful consideration, extensive imaginary research, and a completely unreasonable amount of emotional investment, I've reached a conclusion.

"September" is the crowd-pleaser. "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" is the cinematic masterpiece. And "Conga" is the wild card that might just steal the entire show.

But the best song?

That's where you come in.

Because the real magic of Cosmic Rewind might be that the same attraction can feel completely different depending on which song you get.

One ride is a dance party.

The next is an epic space adventure.

And the next has you singing Blondie at a volume that should probably concern your fellow passengers.

So maybe there isn't one correct answer.

Just kidding.

There absolutely is.

And I'm prepared to argue about it.

And the Winner Is… Everybody Wants to Rule the World. Obviously.

I know. I know.

The "September" people are already preparing their strongly worded comments.

But hear me out.

"September" is fantastic. "Conga" is a party. "Disco Inferno" is a whole mood.

But "Everybody Wants to Rule the World"?

It's an experience.

There's something almost magical about soaring through space while Tears for Fears plays.

The music, the movement, the stars, the sheer cinematic perfection of it all.

For a few glorious minutes, you're not just riding a roller coaster at EPCOT.

You're the main character in an epic 1980s space adventure, and frankly, you deserve an Oscar.

It's smooth. It's nostalgic. It's effortlessly cool.

And unlike "Conga," it doesn't make you feel like you've accidentally boarded a roller coaster headed to your cousin's wedding reception.

Look, I'm not saying the other five songs are bad.

I'm simply saying that "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" is the best, and the other five are competing for second place.

Case closed.

Well, almost.

Because I know some of you are reading this thinking I've completely lost my mind.

And that's fine.

You're entitled to your opinion.

Even when it's wrong.